Helplessness: that dull, sick feeling of not being the one at the reins.
That is how I felt this morning. I couldn’t help it. I know my husbands knee surgery was coming up. I’ve known for about a month. I also know that he is in pretty good health. I had nothing to worry about. I still worried.
The surgeon is wonderful and came highly recommended. We have friends and he has co-workers that have had procedures done by this doctor in the past. Everything came out fine. But….. that wasn’t my husband, therefore I didn’t really have a player in the game so to speak.
My husband is strong, confident, a protector, and NEVER shows physical weakness. This was different for him and very different for me. We have been together for a total of 15 years. I have seen him cry over lost loved ones and family pets. I have looked into his eyes while grieving myself and in them I have seen my rock. This morning I saw something that I wasn’t prepared for. He was vulnerable. I looked at him waiting to be taken back for surgery and for a moment I saw his father. My heart broke, but only for a moment.
I realized in that moment that he wasn’t going to be around forever. While I’m aware that not everyone lives forever, it was the first time in a very very long time that I had thought about it. Now I know why I don’t like to think about it. Now, neither one of us are very old in the grand scheme of things, but you are not promised anything in this life. Every day someone is crying over the loss of a loved one and every day someone is crying tears of joy over a new birth. It’s the circle of life and I know that. It just kind of hit home, ya know.
That is the most recent time I felt helpless. It’s not the first time I’ve felt that way and I’m sure it won’t be the last. That feeling sucks. It really sucks that everyone (if they are honest with themselves) has or will feel that way in their lifetime.
If you read this post and you are feeling that way about anything, know that you are welcome to reach out. Nobody should go through that alone. I had my parents there today and a great friend (they know who they are) that helped me get through the morning. You deserve the same and I am there for you if you need it. Just a button click away.